Breakfast/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: (Creepily) Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and it's— :Jake: So creepy, stop it. :Amir: (Creepily) Sorry about that. Episode :(Amir is eating a ton of food at his desk, when Jake comes in) :Amir: Breakfast is served! :Jake: Yes it was. What is all that? :Amir: Can I interest the gentleman in, like, an English muffin or a crepe? :Jake: Those are crepes? :Amir: No no no no, these (holds something up) are blintzes, these (holds up a crepe) are crepes. Okay? :Jake: Think I'm good. :Amir: No, you're not "good", until you've had one of these omelettes, Amir style: with a little bit of salt. :Jake: Yeah I think I don't want— :Amir: Well Amir style isn't just a little bit of salt, I lied. Okay, it's a lot of salt. And you're gonna enjoy half this thing of salt. But, if you were out partying last night— :Jake: I wasn't. :Amir: Okay, I was gonna say if you were out partying— :Jake: I wasn't. :Amir: Well if you were partying, then you want one of these hangover killers, this huevos rancheros, made Amir style: no salt at all. :Jake: You have a very inconsistent style. :Amir: Yes. :Jake: This food looks really old. :Amir: Yeah it's about a day old, okay. I overdid it at brunch yesterday. :Jake: You thought you could eat all of this food at brunch? :Amir: I jokingly said to waitress yesterday at brunch, "Hey, one of everything please." She starts giggling, there's a chemistry there, so I smile at her, but I grab her forearm and I go, "Hey, that wasn't a joke. I want one of everything, bitch." She takes me at face value because, you know, duality of man or whatever. Bitch starts bringing out plate by plate for like an hour and a half! We're going nuts! The whole restaurant's just up in arms. They start adding tables, because I'm at table for one, right, so there's not enough room, there's not enough area to support all these plates. After every plate she's like, "Are you sure you can afford all this stuff?" Because, you know, you've seen me on Saturday nights, I'm dressed like a vagrant or whatever. But I go, "Hey, not only am I sure I'm gonna pay you for all this stuff, but there's a tip in it for you." I start losing it, I am going nuts, this is crazy right? At 11:30 I say eff it, I'm liveblogging the thing. It's going crazy, the Twitter sphere is just abuzz with this stuff. We're getting retweets, comments on my message board, it's absolutely ridonculous. We're going crazy in there! All of a sudden I start feeling like I'm in a fucking gameshow or something— :Jake: What gameshow? :Amir: Alright, long story shirt, I'll give you a blintz for 11 bucks instead of 12 if you promise to throw in a little extra for the huevos rancheros. :Jake: Why would I pay you for your huevos rancheros? :Amir: Alright lemme level with you man, because you're obviously not getting it. I can't afford to eat 500 dollars every time I go out. I can't have that on my conscience, I can't have that on my card. So, this is what I'm gonna say to you: I finish all this food in three minutes or less, you pay me for it. If I don't? Okay, I'll pay you double of what I paid. :Jake: Fine. :Amir: Alright, fine. (Takes a bite of the omelette) Ugh! I'm sorry, no. This is—(spits it out) this is too salty.